How Do I Talk to My Partner About Going to Couples Therapy (Couples Counseling)
Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy designed to help romantic partners improve their relationship, share their concerns, and resolve conflicts. During sessions, a trained therapist works with both partners to identify patterns of communication, explore underlying issues, and develop healthier ways of relating to each other. Couples therapy focuses on strengthening the relationship rather than attempting to assign blame or find fault with one partner. The goal of therapy is to foster a deeper understanding of each partner’s concerns through honest conversations, ultimately leading to mutual understanding and a healthier relationship.
Many couples find that therapy provides a safe and supportive environment to discuss difficult topics they struggle to address on their own. Even though couples therapy can support you in developing tools to enhance your relationship, taking the first step in asking your partner to attend couples therapy can feel stressful. You may worry about creating conflict with the other person or feel stressed about how to communicate your desire for couples therapy. Sharing a gentle and honest conversation with your partner about your goals for participating in therapy is the first step. Mention that it’s not about blame or shame, and that skilled couples therapists can teach healthy communication skills, help partners understand each other’s perspectives, and guide them toward solutions that work for their unique relationship.
To learn more about how couples therapy can foster a positive change in your relationship, please contact Balanced Mind of New York for a free, 15-minute consultation.
What Is The Difference Between Marriage Counseling, Relationship Therapy, and Couples Counseling?
These terms are often used interchangeably, and in practice, they refer to very similar therapeutic approaches. Marriage counseling traditionally focused on married couples, while couples counseling and relationship therapy encompass all types of romantic partnerships, including unmarried couples, same-sex couples, and those in non-traditional relationship structures.
The core principles and techniques used in all three approaches are essentially the same. What matters most is finding a skilled therapist who is experienced in working with couples and whose approach feels right for your specific relationship needs.
Choosing the Right Time for the Conversation
Timing plays a crucial role in how your partner receives the suggestion of couples therapy. Choose a moment when you’re both relatively calm and not in the middle of an argument or crisis. Avoid bringing up therapy immediately after a fight when emotions are still running high, as your partner may interpret it as punishment or blame.
Consider having this conversation when you have privacy and enough time to discuss the topic thoroughly. Try to make sure you’re both free from distractions or other commitments that might cut the conversation short. You may need to actively create a low-stress and interruption-free environment, such as arranging for dependent care, silencing phone notifications, and minimizing other distractions.
Approaching the Topic with Care and Respect
Begin the conversation with gentleness and acknowledge that discussing therapy might feel uncomfortable or surprising to your partner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and observations rather than making accusations about what your partner does or doesn’t do. For example, “I’ve been thinking about ways we could strengthen our relationship” sounds very different from “You never listen to me.”
Show respect for your partner’s initial reaction, whether it’s curiosity, resistance, or surprise. Remember that suggesting therapy can feel vulnerable for both of you, and your partner may need time to process the idea before responding thoughtfully. Encourage your partner to explore therapeutic resources to learn more about how couples therapy can benefit your relationship.
Focusing on Shared Goals and Relationship Growth
Frame the conversation around what you both want for your relationship rather than what’s currently wrong with it. Talk about your shared hopes for better communication, deeper intimacy, or more effective conflict resolution. This approach helps your partner see therapy as an investment in your future together rather than a critique of your present situation or of them personally.
Emphasize that seeking help is a sign of strength and commitment to improve your relationship. Many successful couples decide to seek professional help as a tool for growth in their relationship, even when they’re not in crisis, much like people use personal trainers to improve their physical fitness.
In some instances, seeking couples therapy may feel like a last-ditch effort to one or both partners. You may already have regular conflicts over money, infidelity, lack of trust, or other seemingly insurmountable relationship issues. Divorce or ending the relationship may have already been discussed, and you may be looking for a neutral party to help you improve your relationship by strengthening communication skills and rebuilding trust. Couples therapy means talking through your unique fears, emotions, and stressors to move toward healthier relationship behaviors.
Avoiding Blame or Criticism
Resist the urge to list everything that’s wrong with your relationship or point fingers at specific behaviors. Instead of saying “You always interrupt me” or “We fight too much,” try focusing on patterns you’ve both noticed or areas where you’d like to grow together. For example, you may share a desire to reduce arguments about money or to learn how to respond to each other’s needs in a more supportive and respectful manner. This collaborative approach reduces defensiveness and increases the likelihood that your partner will be open to the idea.
Remember that couples therapy works best when partners feel they’re on the same team working toward common goals, rather than adversaries trying to prove who’s right. Your initial conversation about therapy can help set the tone for this collaborative mindset, so focusing on the benefits of couples therapy instead of placing blame on one partner’s behavior can create a greater willingness to go to couples therapy.
Being Clear About Your Reasons for Wanting Therapy
While avoiding blame, it’s important to be honest about why you think therapy could benefit your relationship. Share specific areas where you’d like to see improvement, such as communication during disagreements, intimacy, rebuilding trust, or navigating major life transitions. Concrete examples help your partner understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
You might also share what you hope to gain personally from the experience, such as learning better listening skills, being open to seeing things differently, or finding healthier ways to express your needs. This demonstrates that you see couples therapy as a two-way process of growth rather than something that needs to “fix” your partner.
Preparing for Different Reactions
Your partner’s response might range from enthusiasm to skepticism to outright resistance. Prepare yourself emotionally for various reactions and avoid taking their initial response as their final answer. Some people need time to warm up to the idea of therapy, especially if they’ve never experienced it before or have misconceptions about what it involves.
If your partner seems hesitant, ask open-ended questions about their concerns rather than trying to immediately counter their objections. Understanding their perspective will help you address their specific worries and find ways to make the process feel more comfortable for them.
Exploring Therapy Options Together
If your partner shows interest in couples therapy, involve them in the process of finding the right therapist. Research different approaches together, read therapist profiles, and discuss what qualities you both think would be important in a counselor. This collaborative approach helps ensure you both feel invested in the process from the beginning.
Consider practical factors like scheduling, location, and cost together. Some couples prefer in-person sessions, while others find online therapy more convenient. Discussing these logistics as a team reinforces that this is a joint decision and shared commitment toward a healthy relationship.
Emphasizing Confidentiality and Neutrality of Therapy
Many people worry about what happens in therapy sessions or fear that the therapist will take sides. Reassure your partner that couples therapists are trained to remain neutral and that everything discussed in sessions is confidential. Explain that the therapist’s role is to create a safe space to facilitate better communication between you, not to judge either of you or determine who’s right in disagreements.
If your partner has concerns about privacy or neutrality, suggest scheduling an initial consultation where you can both ask questions about the therapist’s approach and get a feel for whether they seem like a good fit for your relationship.
Being Patient and Willing to Revisit the Conversation
Don’t expect to resolve everything in one conversation. Your partner may need time to think about the idea, research therapy options, or work through their own feelings about seeking help. Be prepared to revisit the topic multiple times, each time approaching it with the same care and respect you showed initially.
If your partner isn’t ready immediately, focus on continuing to work on your relationship in other ways while leaving the door open for future discussions about couples therapy. Sometimes showing that you’re committed to growth and improvement in general can help your partner become more open to the idea of professional support over time.
Who Shouldn’t Seek Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is not appropriate in situations where there is ongoing abuse, whether physical, emotional, psychological, or financial, between partners. In these cases, couples therapy can increase the risk of harm, as the abusive partner may use what is discussed in sessions to further manipulate or control the other person. Power imbalances caused by abuse make it nearly impossible for couples therapy to be a safe and constructive space.
Instead, the priority should be ensuring safety. Alternatives include individual therapy, connecting with local domestic violence resources, or contacting a crisis hotline or shelter for guidance and protection. In some cases, legal steps such as protective orders or involving law enforcement may be necessary. The focus must always remain on safety and support, not on repairing the relationship in a joint setting.
Additionally, if one partner is experiencing an acute mental health crisis, such as active suicidal ideation or psychosis, individual care and stabilization should take priority before engaging in couples therapy.
How Do I Pay For Couples Therapy?
Balanced Mind of New York is a private pay practice and does not accept insurance. We believe in providing individualized, high-quality care without the restrictions or limitations often associated with insurance-based treatment.
If you have out-of-network benefits, we’re happy to provide a superbill upon request, which you can submit directly to your insurance provider for potential reimbursement. Please consult your provider to understand your coverage and eligibility for out-of-network mental health services.
Contact Details for Balanced Mind of New York Couples Therapists
Please contact us at [email protected] or 646-883-5544 to schedule an appointment and take the first step toward a healthier you.