Amber’s Story
Amber was the first-born child to her mother and father. By the time she turned five, her parents had four more children, and the weight of responsibility settled on Amber far too soon. While other kids her age were playing with friends and exploring, Amber was changing diapers, soothing cries, and making sure her younger siblings were fed and safe. Her parents often praised her for being “so mature” and “such a little helper,” but behind those words was an expectation that she would fill in where they could not—or would not. If Amber expressed interest in doing something for herself, she was sharply criticized for her “bad behavior” and accused of not caring about her family. She quickly learned that her own needs came second, that being good meant being useful, and that her worth was tied to how much she could carry. Even as she grew older, that early script shaped the way she saw herself and what she believed she had to be for others.
As a young adult, Amber was eager to get married and start her own family. She met Michael at work and pictured what her own life could look like: the ability to make her own decisions, be part of a relationship based on mutual respect, and to be free of the burdensome expectations imposed on her by her mom and dad. Although they were just 19, they quickly forged their own course toward marriage and independence.
As Amber and Michael planned to get married, Amber’s mother and father tried to dissuade her from going through with it. Who would drive her siblings to practice, help them with homework, and make them dinner if she left? What kind of daughter would consider leaving her family behind when there was so much that she still needed to do? “This is obviously a mistake,” they said, and talked about the kind of pain she’d cause them.
Amber felt torn between family duties and her desire for building her own life, but decided to marry Michael and move out anyway. It wasn’t long before they had children of their own. Amber’s parents made a point of disparaging her parenting techniques, telling her she was making mistakes and damaging her kids by not listening to their advice. Amber responded by picking up more of the responsibilities at home, eventually causing her to experience resentment toward her husband.
Amber slowly started to understand the burden her parents were putting on her. She initially reduced contact with her parents and tried to set boundaries around visitation with their grandchildren. Amber explained how much stress she felt from their interactions and asked them to be more respectful of her. They accused her of creating a fractured family and being a bad daughter. Amber finally had enough and made the gut wrenching decision to cut off contact with her parents. She felt simultaneously liberated and filled with hope while struggling with guilt and shame.
Amber confided in a friend, and the friend recommended that Amber work with a therapist to sort through these complicated feelings and issues related to her estranged parents. If you share some of Amber’s experiences or feelings and want to learn more about how therapy can be of benefit to you, contact the therapists at Balanced Mind of New York for a free, 15-minute consultation.
What is Adult Child Estrangement?
Adult child estrangement refers to a situation where an adult child intentionally distances themselves, whether emotionally, physically, or both, from one or both parents. This may also be referred to as parent-child estrangement or going “no contact” with parents and parental figures. This separation can be the result of unresolved conflicts, past trauma, differing values or lifestyles, perceived toxic behavior, or a history of physical, sexual, psychological, or emotional abuse. Estrangement may involve limited or no contact, and can be temporary or long-term, depending on the individuals and circumstances involved. While it can be a painful experience for all parties, for some adult children, estrangement is seen as a necessary step toward personal healing and creating a healthier life.
Causes of Parent-Child Estrangement
Adult children may choose to go no-contact with their parents for a variety of deeply personal and often painful reasons. One of the most common causes is a history of physical or sexual abuse, where the parent’s behavior has consistently caused harm and failed to change despite attempts at communication or reconciliation. Others may feel forced to sever ties due to emotional neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, or narcissistic behavior, which can create a chronic sense of being invalidated, controlled, or unsafe. These dynamics often leave lasting psychological scars that can resurface in adulthood, prompting the child to set firm boundaries to protect their well-being.
In some cases, estrangement stems from a fundamental clash in values or life choices, such as religion, sexuality, or lifestyle, especially when parents respond with judgment, rejection, or a lack of support. Mental health issues, addiction, or unresolved family conflict can also play a role, particularly when one or both parties are unwilling or unable to seek help. Ultimately, going no-contact is usually a last resort after repeated efforts to repair the relationship have failed, and the adult child determines that distance is necessary for their emotional survival and healing.
Effects of Parent-Child Relational Trauma
The intentional termination of a parent-child relationship can evoke deep feelings of grief, guilt, shame, or lingering anger, all of which can be emotionally taxing. These unresolved emotions may influence self-esteem, lead to chronic stress or anxiety, and in some cases, contribute to symptoms of depression or complex PTSD. In romantic relationships, estrangement can create trust issues, fear of abandonment, or difficulties with emotional intimacy, particularly if the individual has not had a secure attachment model growing up. This can negatively impact an otherwise seemingly good relationship or marriage and may ultimately precipitate a breakup or divorce.
Socially and professionally, the effects can be just as far-reaching. Some individuals may struggle with maintaining friendships or workplace boundaries, especially if they were conditioned to suppress their needs or constantly seek approval. Job performance may suffer due to emotional burnout, distraction, or the internalized belief that they are not “good enough.” Estrangement can be an isolating experience, as it is often stigmatized or misunderstood, leaving people reluctant to talk about it or feeling unsupported by others who don’t grasp the depth of the experience. Healing from estrangement often involves redefining one’s identity, learning new emotional tools, and building healthier, more supportive connections in all areas of life.
Resolving Trauma with Therapy
Some estranged adult children seek counseling to work toward resolution with their parents, whereas others focus on their trauma resolution without an end goal of reestablishing contact with their estranged parents.
EMDR Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy that can be highly effective in helping individuals process and heal from trauma, including the kind that leads to estrangement from parents. When someone has experienced emotional neglect, abuse, manipulation, or other forms of relational trauma within the parent-child dynamic, those memories can remain “stuck” in the brain. This is true whether the relational trauma occurred in childhood or adulthood. These “stuck” memories may trigger intense emotional reactions and shape current behavior and relationships. EMDR helps by guiding the individual through a series of bilateral stimulations (such as eye movements that mimic REM sleep) while they focus on distressing memories, allowing the brain to reprocess the experience in a way that reduces its emotional charge and integrates it more adaptively.
In the context of estrangement, EMDR can support healing by helping the person identify and work through core beliefs formed during painful interactions with their parents (e.g., “I am not worthy of love” or “I have to please others to be safe”). As those beliefs are reprocessed, many people report feeling greater clarity, reduced guilt or shame, and an increased sense of empowerment. This can help them make peace with the decision to maintain distance or open the door to reconnect, depending on what feels healthiest for them. Ultimately, EMDR can provide a path toward emotional well-being, even when the relationship itself remains complicated or disconnected.
Schema Therapy
Schema therapy is a powerful integrative approach that can help individuals understand and heal from deep-rooted emotional patterns known as “schemas.” They often develop in childhood and are frequently at the core of painful parent-child dynamics. For adult children who have become estranged from their parents due to emotional pain or neglect, criticism, control, or other harmful behaviors, schema therapy offers a framework to identify how those early experiences shaped their self-image, emotional responses, and relationship patterns. Common schemas in these cases might include abandonment, defectiveness, emotional deprivation, or subjugation, which can lead to chronic feelings of guilt, shame, or confusion even after cutting ties.
Through techniques that combine cognitive, behavioral, experiential, and relational methods, schema therapy helps clients not only recognize these maladaptive patterns but also begin to “re-parent” themselves. This allows participants to learn how to meet their own emotional needs in healthier ways. Over time, clients can shift their internal narratives, develop stronger boundaries, and cultivate self-compassion and well-being. In the context of estrangement, schema therapy can help reduce the emotional burden of the past, allowing the individual to make empowered choices about the relationship and build a life that feels more authentic and emotionally safe.
How Do I Pay for EMDR or Schema Therapy?
Balanced Mind of New York is a private pay practice and does not accept insurance. We believe in providing individualized, high-quality care without the restrictions or limitations often associated with insurance-based treatment.
If you have out-of-network benefits, we’re happy to provide a superbill upon request, which you can submit directly to your insurance provider for potential reimbursement. Please consult your provider to understand your coverage and eligibility for out-of-network mental health services.
We accept Visa, MasterCard, Discover, American Express, and HSA/FSA cards.
Contact Balanced Mind of New York to learn more about your payment options and take the next step on your healing journey.