Note: This essay contains spoilers for Season 3 episode 5 of White Lotus.
We’re going to examine Sam Rockwell’s acclaimed Asian girl monologue from HBO Max’s The White Lotus through the lens of object relations, a school of thought in psychoanalytic theory that explores how our identity and relationships are informed by the way in which we have internalized (1) the impression of our caregivers, (2) the impression of our self with our caregivers, and (3) the impression of the child-caregiver dynamics.
The latest season takes place in the stunning tropics of Thailand, where at the luxury resort a new ensemble cast of wealthy guests confront their spiritual poverty, including a jaded and disaffected middle-aged white man named Rick who is haunted by his past. Past mid-season, Rick leaves for Bangkok, ostensibly to confront his father’s murderer, where he first meets up with an old friend in a hotel bar to accomplice him. Rick’s friend Frank is played by Sam Rockwell, who is first clocked as just another old white dude expat in this Asian country, but with a speaking role.
The two friends haven’t been in touch for years and start catching up. Rick is left with his jaw on the floor as Frank talks about his journey of getting sober from drugs and sex after overdosing on hedonistic excess, finally hitting his spiritual “rock bottom”. In this hilarious and yet profound monologue, the show’s troupe of the male Asian fetishist transfigures into a surprisingly deep reflection on identity, the other, and self-discovery.
Object relationists believe that we are inherently intimacy-seeking, not pleasure-seeking. Psychological maturity, the successful completion of developmental milestones, allow us to form deep, authentic relationships characterized by mutual recognition, empathy, and the capacity to love while maintaining appropriate boundaries. If we do not reach maturity, some of us are prone to seeking distractions from the emptiness of our incomplete (or un-integrated) sense of self, finding only our empty reflection looking back at us.
Core Object Relations Concepts in the Monologue
1. The Split Object and Projective Identification
“I picked Thailand because I always had a thing for Asian girls… when I got here I was like a kid in a candy store.”
This quote reveals classic splitting mechanisms as conceptualized by Melanie Klein. In classic Kleinian theory, splitting is a primitive defense mechanism in which the infant divides both self and object representations into “all good” and “all bad” parts, unable to integrate these contradictory aspects into a cohesive whole, thus protecting the idealized “good object” from being contaminated by aggressive impulses directed at the “bad object.”
Here we see Frank rendering Asian women to an idealized part-object describing them as a preferred sexual mate, simultaneously rendering them a devalued part-object as an exotic sexual instrument. The “candy store” metaphor directly frames Asian women as sweet objects to be consumed, and categorizing their physical features (“skinny ones, chubby ones, older ones”) is reductionist. The phrasing suggests that Frank perceives women–at least Asian women– as disjointed concepts that never converge. This may represent a failure to integrate whole objects, instead maintaining them as idealized or devalued parts.
“Maybe what I really want is to be one of these Asian girls”
Splitting Asian women into part-objects is only half of the equation. Frank engages in what we call projective identification: the process of disavowing a part of our self and then attributing that disavowed part to another person. We then interact with that person in a way that induces them to actually embody and experience those projected qualities, thus affirming to our self that the rejected self-part doesn’t belong to us.
Frank has likely projected something “good” about himself (possibly vulnerability, desirability, or submission) onto these women. He then sought to reincorporate it through identification and sexual roleplay. But why go through the bother of rejecting a part of himself that Frank found desirable in the first place? One possibility is that the desirable, projected self-part is connected to a fear. This is a defensive maneuver that Klein would identify as an attempt to manage persecutory anxiety by controlling the projected parts of the self.
Frank’s sexual compulsivity serves as an attempt to manage internal fragmentation through repeated, unsuccessful attempts at integration with the idealized part-object. Each encounter fails to provide lasting satisfaction because it addresses the symptom rather than the underlying splitting.
2. The False Self and Identity Diffusion
“Am I a middle-aged white guy on the inside too or inside could I be an Asian girl?”
Frank’s experimentation with gender identity reveals what D.W. Winnicott would identify as a “false self” operation. His authentic identity has become diffuse and uncertain. This identity confusion suggests early developmental challenges in establishing a cohesive self. His question about being “a middle-aged white guy on the inside too” reveals his experience of his external presentation as potentially inauthentic—a hallmark of false self organization.
Winnicott proposed that the false self develops as a protective structure when the true self is not adequately mirrored or validated by the caregiver environment. The character’s elaborate sexual performances—“I put on some lingerie and perfume made myself look like one of these girls”—can be understood as an enactment of false self dynamics, where he creates a persona that he believes will elicit the desired response from others.
“I’d look in her eyes while some guy was fucking me and I’d think I am her and I’m fucking me”
The identity diffusion evident in the monologue also aligns with Otto Kernberg’s conceptualization of borderline personality organization, where boundaries between self and other are permeable and unstable. His description of the threesome scenario where he hires “an Asian girl to just sit there and watch” while he’s penetrated by men resembling himself creates a complex relational configuration where self and object are simultaneously split and confused:
This represents a profound collapse of self-object boundaries, where the character is simultaneously the observer, the observed, the penetrator, and the penetrated—a concrete manifestation of identity diffusion taken to its extreme.
3. Insatiable Desire as Object Hunger
“I was out of control. I became insatiable. I realized that for a million women I’d still never be satisfied”
Frank explicitly describes becoming “insatiable” in his pursuit of women. In object relations, this insatiability represents what theorist W.R.D. Fairbairn called “object hunger”—an endless craving for objects (relationships) that stems from unmet early developmental needs. The character’s compulsive sexual behavior represents a desperate attempt to fill an internal void or absence.
Fairbairn’s theoretical framework is particularly relevant here, as he rejected Freud’s pleasure principle in favor of an object-seeking principle. According to Fairbairn, libido is not primarily seeking pleasure but connection to satisfying objects. The character’s realization that “for a million women I’d still never be satisfied” demonstrates Fairbairn’s insight that when the primary object relationship has been problematic, no amount of substitute objects can fully compensate.
The compulsivity described (“after about a thousand nights like that you start to lose it”) reflects the frustration of object hunger that can never be satiated through the pursued activities because what is truly being sought is not sexual gratification but repair of a damaged internal object relation. This explains why his pursuit escalates from women to gender transformation to elaborate scenarios with multiple participants—each escalation represents an increasingly desperate attempt to address an internal object relations deficit that cannot be resolved through sexual enactment.
His questioning—“Why do I feel this need to fuck all these women? What is desire?”—shows a moment of insight into the deeper nature of his compulsion. This represents what Fairbairn would consider a potential opening for therapeutic progress, as the individual begins to recognize that the compulsive behavior is addressing a different need than it appears to on the surface.
4. Fantasy of Fusion and Completion
“She’s the opposite of me. She’s going to complete me in some way”
Frank’s monologue directly addresses a fantasy of completion through union with the other. This articulates a key object relations concept: the fantasy that merging with another can heal internal fragmentation. This completion fantasy originates in the infant’s experience of oneness with the primary caregiver and relates to what Margaret Mahler termed “symbiotic fusion” in early development.
The character explicitly questions this completion fantasy: “Why does it have such a grip on me? Because she’s the opposite of me. She’s going to complete me in some way.” This represents a primitive form of object relating where the other is valued not as a separate subject but for their perceived capacity to restore a sense of wholeness to the self.
His later fantasy of simultaneously being both the person desiring and the person desired (“I am her and I’m fucking me“) represents a complex fusion fantasy where internal object relations collapse into a circular self-relation. This is a profound regression to primary narcissism, attempting to resolve the dilemma of separateness by becoming both subject and object.
The elaborate scenario he constructs—where he dresses as an Asian woman, is penetrated by men resembling himself, while observed by an actual Asian woman—represents an attempt to concretize this fusion fantasy. In this configuration, he can simultaneously identify with all positions in the object relational matrix: the desiring male subject, the desired female object, and the witnessing other. This complex arrangement reflects a desperate attempt to transcend the limitations of self-other differentiation that is fundamental to mature object relations.
Michael Balint’s concept of the “basic fault” is relevant here—the character appears to be addressing a fundamental deficit in his internal object world through increasingly elaborate attempts to fuse with the desired object. Balint would view this as evidence of a pre-oedipal disturbance where the primary two-person relationship was disrupted, leading to persistent attempts to repair this “fault” through regressive fusion fantasies.
5. Transitional Phenomena and the Search for Meaning
“I got into Buddhism, which is all about spirit versus form, detaching from self, getting off the never-ending carousel of lust and suffering”
Frank’s eventual turn to Buddhism represents what Winnicott might identify as a search for a more mature transitional phenomenon. He moves from concrete sexual enactments to a more symbolic, abstract means of addressing his fundamental questions about identity and desire. Buddhism here functions as a transitional phenomenon—bridging internal and external reality in a more integrated way than his previous sexual compulsions.
Winnicott’s concept of transitional phenomena describes experiences that occupy an intermediate space between subjective internal reality and objective external reality. The character’s sexual enactments represent a primitive, concrete form of transitional experience—attempting to give physical form to internal fantasy (“I was trying to fuck my way to the answer”). His turn to Buddhism represents a developmental progression toward a more abstract, symbolized form of transitional experience.
The character’s description of Buddhism as “detaching from self” and getting off “the never ending Carousel of lust and suffering” suggests an intuitive recognition that his problems stem from an over-attachment to rigid self-other configurations and the compulsive pursuit of illusory completion through fusion with others. Buddhism offers a philosophical framework that potentially aligns with his developmental needs—transcending the limitations of ego boundaries without the concrete enactments of his earlier phase.
However, his final statement—”Being Sober isn’t so hard being celibate though… I still miss that pussy, man“—reveals the incomplete nature of this transition. It suggests a continued attachment to the excitement of his previous mode of object relating, indicating that while he has intellectually embraced a more mature transitional phenomenon, the emotional pull of the earlier pattern remains strong.
This ambivalence is consistent with Winnicott’s understanding that development proceeds unevenly, with aspects of earlier modes of experiencing persisting alongside more mature modes. The character stands at a developmental crossroads, having recognized the limitations of his compulsive pattern but not fully integrated this insight emotionally.
Developmental Origins
Object relations theory would locate the roots of these patterns in early development:
1. Maternal Internalization and Exoticization
The character’s fixation on Asian women likely represents a particular internalized maternal object that has become eroticized and exoticized. The racialized nature of his object choice—specifically seeking out Asian women and later wanting to become one—suggests a complex intersection of object relations with cultural projections.
In object relations terms, this exoticization represents a specific form of splitting where the “exotic other” becomes a repository for disavowed parts of the self. The character’s statement that Asian women are “the opposite of me” reveals this splitting operation directly—he has located certain qualities (possibly vulnerability, submissiveness, or desirability) in a racialized other that he cannot integrate into his self-representation.
2. Disruption in Separation-Individuation
His confusion about his essential identity suggests disruptions during the separation-individuation phase (as described by Margaret Mahler) when stable self-representations should form. Mahler’s developmental sequence includes:
- Symbiotic Phase: Where infant and mother are experienced as a unified entity
- Differentiation: First recognition of separateness
- Practicing: Testing autonomy while maintaining connection
- Rapprochement: Negotiating the tension between independence and dependency
- Object Constancy: Developing stable internal representations that persist despite ambivalence and absence
The character appears to have encountered difficulties in the rapprochement phase, unable to fully resolve the tension between independence and dependency. His sexual compulsions and gender experimentation represent continued attempts to resolve this developmental impasse through concrete enactments rather than psychological integration.
3. Primitive Introjection and Identification
Frank’s desire to become the object of his desire (“Maybe what I really want is to be one of these Asian girls“) reflects primitive modes of introjection and identification that Christopher Bollas might term “transformational object seeking.” The sought-after “other” is pursued not just as a separate person to relate to but as a transformational presence that can alter the self.
4. Narcissistic Structures and Self-Object Confusion
The circular nature of his ultimate fantasy (“I am her and I’m fucking me“) reveals primary narcissism—a retreat from object relations to self-relations. This represents what Heinz Kohut would identify as a narcissistic solution to self-object differentiation challenges. Rather than developing the capacity for mature object love (where the other is recognized as separate), he collapses the distinction between self and object in a circular self-relation.
Therapeutic Implications
Schema therapy is an integrative therapeutic model that uses object relations. From an object relations perspective, therapeutic work with this individual would focus on:
1. Developing Whole Object Relations
Treatment would aim to develop the capacity to see others as whole objects rather than part-objects or extensions of self. This would involve addressing the splitting and projection that characterize his relationship with Asian women, helping him to recognize the projective nature of his perceptions and the humanity of the other.
2. Integration of Split Self and Object Representations
Therapeutic work would facilitate the integration of split self and object representations, helping him to recognize and accept disavowed aspects of himself that have been projected onto others. This would include addressing the racialized nature of his projections and the ways these projections serve defensive functions.
3. Mourning the Fantasy of Completion
A crucial therapeutic task would involve mourning the fantasy of completion through the other—recognizing that no external object can fully repair early developmental deficits or provide complete satisfaction. This mourning process would involve facing the pain of separateness and limitation that his sexual compulsions and fusion fantasies have attempted to evade.
4. Developing a More Cohesive Self
Treatment would support the development of a more cohesive, authentic sense of self that is less dependent on external validation or transformation. This might involve exploring aspects of his gender identity in a more integrated way, separate from the sexual compulsivity and exotic objectification that have characterized his previous explorations. One potential treatment option for a personality like this is EMDR intensives, because it is, quite literally, more intense than other forms of therapy. The intensity comes from reducing the time between sessions and condensing the work into fewer sessions and less calendar time, but a longer amount of time per session.
5. Addressing Primitive Envy and Identification
Therapy would also address the primitive envy that fuels his desire to become the object of his desire. This envy reflects what Melanie Klein identified as a central psychological challenge—managing the tension between loving and destructive impulses toward valuable objects.
The character’s turn toward Buddhism suggests an intuitive movement in this direction—seeking to transcend the splitting and fusion dynamics that have dominated his relational patterns through a philosophical framework that emphasizes non-attachment and the transcendence of rigid self-other distinctions.
Conclusion
Frank’s monologue presents a remarkably comical yet profound articulation of object relations concepts. His journey from objectification, to identification, to a search for transcendence, illustrates how primitive object relations can dominate adult functioning, and how we may intuitively find paths toward integration.
Dialectic of Fantasy and Reality
The narrative demonstrates what Christopher Bollas might call the “unthought known”—an unconscious understanding that emerges through enactment rather than reflection. The character has enacted a complex object relations constellation through his sexual behaviors before developing the capacity to verbalize or conceptualize what he was seeking.
His candid disclosure—framed as a confession of sorts—represents a significant step toward mentalization, the capacity to understand one’s own and others’ behavior in terms of mental states. The narrative structure itself, with its movement from compulsive action to questioning to philosophical seeking, mirrors the developmental trajectory from enactment to symbolization that characterizes psychological growth in object relations theory.
Social and Cultural Dimensions
Frank’s objectification and exoticization of Asian women reflects not just individual psychological processes but also the internalization of cultural narratives about race, gender, and power. These cultural dimensions do not replace or invalidate the object relations analysis but rather demonstrate how internal psychological structures both shape and are shaped by social contexts.
The Incomplete Journey
Frank’s final comment indicates that while he has intellectually recognized the need to move beyond his compulsions, the emotional pull of his internal object relations continues to exert influence, suggesting incomplete integration of his internal world.
This ambivalence illustrates a central insight of object relations theory: that development is rarely linear or complete. The character stands at what Donald Winnicott might call a “moment of hope”—having gained sufficient insight to recognize his pattern without yet having fully developed the capacity to transcend it. His turn to Buddhism represents both a genuine developmental achievement and a potential spiritual bypass of the emotional work still needed to integrate his fragmented internal world.
The monologue thus offers a profound illustration of both the persistence of early object relations in adult functioning and the human capacity to intuitively seek paths toward greater integration and wholeness, however incomplete or contradictory these efforts may be.
